Facebook Satire

Facebook kills millions of family pets; claims people consented to it by not explicitly telling Facebook it couldn’t do that.

By David R. Wheeler, in a satirical capacity, because I couldn't resist.

Millions of black-clad Facebook commandos broke into houses across the world last night, killing family pets, in an effort to learn how users’ emotional states would be affected by the loss of their beloved animals.

“Our advertisers really value this information,” said the Facebook executive in charge of the experiment, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “The loss of a pet can really affect your clicking behavior on the news feed.”

He added, “We’re baffled as to why people are so upset about this. Obviously an optimal targeted advertising experience is more important than the survival of a relatively small percentage of the world’s pet population.”

The pet-killing operation was leaked to the press by a Facebook commando who had a last-minute change of heart.

“I saw this cute little Siamese cat, and I thought: ‘Maybe there are more important things in life than targeted advertising.’”

When the operation was leaked to the press, Facebook spokesperson Outta Tutch sounded surprised by the outrage. “First of all, when you click ‘I agree’ to our terms and conditions, you are basically giving us carte blanche to do whatever we want with your life, your property, and your loved ones.”

“You never said we couldn’t kill your pets, so that’s obviously the same thing as granting us the permission to do so,” Tutch said.